


This Is Wrong

by slut_for_jan_and_trixya



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I'll be adding tags as I go, So much angst and violence, Suicide Attempt, They love each other, Varying Chapter Lengths, i love this ship so much, i will take any and all prompts, most of these chapters are angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:27:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23665378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slut_for_jan_and_trixya/pseuds/slut_for_jan_and_trixya
Summary: Jan is attacked and Jackie watches she is torn into pieces.(Chapter one is the night before and chapter two is the attack and the rest is the aftermath.)
Relationships: Gigi Goode Crystal Methyd, Jackie Cox/Jan Sport, Jan Sport/Jackie Cox
Comments: 15
Kudos: 57





	1. I love you, and the world doesn't. But I do.

**Author's Note:**

> So basically this is a lot of angst and the chapters really vary in length a lot.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan wakes up to Jackie sobbing

1.)

Jan wakes with a start. Her damn insomnia keeps waking her up so early that it was a sin.

She checks her watch. 2:00 am. 2:00 am and she can hear crying. Not quiet, delicate weeps like the celebrities in rom coms, not the sounds that pretty girls make when they want to seem feminine when they're watching Disney movies to appear submissive. No the sound that she hears is broken, gut-wrenching sobbing, a heart cracking in two, a soul yearning for love. Jackie would tell Jan to go find this person. Jackie would tell her to comfort her. And Jackie…

Jackie is not beside her, asleep in bed like she thought she was.

That means the sound outside is Jackie.

Jan jumps out of her bed, almost tripping over an abandoned dress on the floor. It doesn’t matter. She has to get to Jackie.

Jan calls for her. There is no reply. She calls for her again, her voice climbing in octave.

“Jackie? Baby?”

She reaches the stopping before stopping abruptly. Writhing against the floor of the balcony is her girlfriend. Her knees are pressed together and stained with sorrow, hands aggressively batting at her ears as she mumbles words that Jan cannot comprehend, mouth spewing spit and obscenities in Persian whilst her pain leaks out of her body in the form of tears. She cannot see nor’ hear Jan, immersed in her agony, she continues to rock herself.

Jan’s heart clenches. This is wrong. Everything about this is wrong. Jackie the light of her life. Jackie the girl that wakes her up every Sunday with bagels in bed. Jackie whose laugh sounds like a clown being stabbed to death but is music to Jan’s ears should not be suffering. It is wrong in every sense of the word. It is a perversion of all that is good, a sacrilege of everything that is right, an injustice. A formerly unpresent rage begins to burn violently in Jan’s chest. But it diffuses itself as almost immediately as Jackie lifts her head softly and a soft gasp escapes her mouth when she sees Jan watching the scene unfold.

“Jan. I’m so sorry, did I wake you up, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Oh my god.”

“Jackie-“

“It’s nothing. I swear it’s nothing, I’m just being stupid. Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Jan. I’m so sorry.”

“Jackie-“

“I’m so sorry, I’m so stupid and now you’re going to be angry with and I’ve gone and-“

Jan presses her lips to Jackie’s, silencing the trembling girl for a brief second as she scoops her up into her arms without breaking the kiss. She wants them to stay like this forever, pressed against one another, all the fears in the world forgotten. She wants to kiss Jackie until everything in the world is okay again because the poor girl is still shaking as he leans closer into the kiss, clutching at Jan like she is a lifeline. Jan pulls away and Jackie is quiet for a second before continuing to sob into Jan’s chest, her tears dampening the Oklahoma T-cast shirt that Jan has had since she met Jackie. She holds Jackie closer to her chest, her embrace tightening as she tries to stifle her own tears. It hurts to see her like this. It hurts to see the most kind, loving person that she knows suffer without knowing the reason why. The reason why. Jan needs to know what did this to Jackie. Or who did this to Jackie.

“Jackie, baby?”

“Yeah.”

“Who did this to you.”

“It’s nothing, I swear. I promise you I’m being stupid.”

“If you’re being stupid, you can tell me what it is”

“It’s so stupid-“

“Jaqueline Mary Joanne Kate Smith Cox, I have seen you try to snort vodka. Nothing you do can top that.” This makes Jackie laugh and the tension in the air calms down a little.

“I called my mom.”

“Oh, baby. Oh, I’m so sorry, baby.”

"It was the usual stuff. I'm a disgrace to the family, I should have died. They're better of without me. My brother called me a fag over the phone again. I just really needed to tell them something and some naive part of me thought that they might actually be accepting."

"What, baby?"

“I called her to tell her we’re dating.”

“Baby why? You know I love you and I’d support you no matter what but why did you put yourself through this.”

“Because I love you. I love you so much. I wanted her to know how much I love you. And well-” Jackie stops, pausing as her breath lodges itself in her throat. Jan presses a kiss to the crown of her head.

“Well, now I can’t go to my grandfather’s funeral. I found out he has cancer. They had kept it a secret from me and they weren’t planning to tell me until he died and he’s only got like a month and a half left. He doesn’t have my number, and he doesn’t know where I live and-and- he was the only one who ever loved me and now I can’t- I can’t” She collapses into sobs again and tears begin to trickle down Jan’s eyes. She remembers Jackie’s stories of baking Persian desserts with her grandfather, him bouncing her up and down on his lap, his acceptance of her when she came out to him. They always say there is a good apple in a barrel of rotten ones.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”

“But I’m not. I love my grandfather and he knows that. They were going to bury him in Iran anyway. I’m not sorry that I’m in love with you. I’m not sorry that I’d choose you over them in a heartbeat. I’m not sorry that I get to hold you and kiss you and love you for as long as you’ll let me. I spent too long thinking that loving you was a sin. I refuse to let the let of my life slip away. I refuse to let anything stand between us. I refuse to let it be a sin any longer.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Beer?”

“Whiskey.”

“Okay.”


	2. Why do they hurt you, when all you do is love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan is attacked by thugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST. VIOLENCE. PAIN. SUFFERING.

2.)

Jackie is cleaning when she hears the doorbell. She’s annoyed as she puts down the towel and walks to the door. It’s Jan, and it’s about time she came home from work because she’s almost a half-hour late. This would have been fine, had she sent Jackie a heads up, but instead, she had left Jackie to stress clean for 24 minutes and now they have a spotless kitchen. Jackie sighs and remembers that she loves Jan. It is curious that she’s ringing the doorbell though, she doesn’t normally do that unless she’s got an arm full of groceries. Maybe that’s why she was late? Either way, it doesn’t matter, Jackie loves Jan and petty arguments aside that’s all that matters.

What she expects when she opens the door is Jan with a groceries looking apologetic. What she expects is Jan looking tired or happy or sorry. What is expecting is for Jan to kiss her breathless and tell her she's so sorry to have kept her waiting and for her anger to evaporate. What is expects is for the two of them to cook dinner wide by side, chock full of inappropriate innuendoes. What she expects is for her girlfriend to be standing outside her door with a smile on her face and for Jackie to fall in love with her all over again. 

What she does not expect is or Jan to be clutching her stomach in ripped clothes, barely able to stay standing. Her eyes as hollow, everything numb. In the place of the beautiful, boisterous woman that she loves is a battered creature that is paralyzed in pain. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Jackie presses her hand to her mouth and tears well up as she takes in the injuries. There are large violent gashes on Jan’s legs and arms, yellowing bruises on her naked torso, blood running down her forehead as she coughs up blood. But her blood runs cold when she sees the words scribbled in sharpie in an ugly scrawl on Jan’s face. _Faggot._ No. No. This is New York, this is 2020, this should not be happening. And not to Jan, not to Jan of all people. Not to this kind, generous, light in the world that has done nothing and will never do anything to harm another soul. Not to Jan. This is what she escaped from in Iran, this is what she thought the American dream would protect. This is so wrong.

“Jackie…”

Jackie catches Jan just before she collapses. She carries the small girl bridal style to their couch and pulls out the medicine kit. It’s at moments like this where she thanks God that she went to medical school. She is so glad that she was a surgeon. Though she quit two years ago, she is grateful for the grueling hours, the endless homophobia, the emotional strain all of it. Because right now her training is their saving grace. The only thing she can cling on to. The only thing she can do to elp because they can NOT afford an ambulance trip. All she can do is heal the wounds on the outside because she knows that what these thugs have done to Jan is something that Jackie cannot fix. Something that nothing may ever be able to fix. She pushes those thoughts away from her head, right now she needs to make sure that Jan doesn’t die.

With a shaking hand, she presses her hand to Jan’s forehead. A little high, but considering her state, that’s expected right now.

“Jan, I need you to take off your clothes for me. Can you do that?” Jackie asks through tears. Jan nods and winces as she takes off the scraps of shirt and pants. It’s a struggle but as soon as the clothes are off, it is when Jackie can take in the full length of the damage. Somehow it feels like Jackie can see too much blood and not enough blood at the same time. Too much blood means bleeding out but not enough blood means internal bleeding. Both options are not good. The closest hospital is a two-hour drive away and they don’t own a car, but Jan dying isn’t an option. An option that Jackie will not consider. Not even for a moment. She breathes in and out trying to calm the tears that are flowing down her face. She needs to be a doctor. She can do this.

“Can you hear me, baby?” She asks. Jan shakes her head.

“Can you speak?”

“I can try.” A hoarse croak comes out. She must have choked her.

“Good girl.”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Five.” Jackie bites her lip. Not a good sign. Maybe her vision is blurry from the tears.

“Try again baby.”

“Four?”

“Well done, I’m so proud of you.” She grabs Jan’s hand and runs a finger down her palm.

“Can you feel that?”

“Yeah, but nothing in the other hand.” Not good. This is not good.

“Can you breathe, is it hard to breathe?”

“Yeah.”

“Jan, did they kick you in the stomach?” Jan stays silent for a second. “Please, baby. I need to know what they did to you. I need to know if you need to go to the hospital or not.”

“They kicked me a lot. “Her voice comes out like a scared child. Timid and desperate. “Not in the head cos one of them was holding me down by the throat. I don’t know what he wrote on my head but I just know they kicked me a lot and- and there was a knife. I don’t know what they did. It hurts so much Jackie. I’m so scared-“

“I know baby, I know. I’m going to call Crystal and Gigi, and we are going to try to fix you okay, but if not, I am carrying you to the hospital. But for now, I’m going to give you a couple of pills and I need you to swallow.” She grabs a couple Tylenol and gently places it into Jan’s mouth. She then reaches into her bag and thanks god that she still has some aminomethyl benzoic acid. She injects the syringe into Jan as she presses her lips to her forehead.

“Jackie?”

“Yes, baby?” She asks in a hurried tone.

“If I don’t make it…”

“No Jan. You are going to make it. You are making it. I don’t care if I have to drag you from the depths of hell. You are not allowed to die.”

“If I don’t make it, I love you. You are the love of my life.” She closes her eyes and Jackie knows she’s not dead, but something about seeing her so frail and so weak breaks something in Jackie.

“Baby, open your eyes. Please open your eyes.” Jan opens her eyes and Jackie soaks in every last atom of those beautiful brown orbs. She loves her so much. So much that it absorbs her soul and she is more pain than Jan right now. Watching as the cherubic girl struggles to say simple words breaks her heart. Because she loves her so much. But there is no time to linger on how much she loves her girlfriend right now, linger any longer and she might not have a girlfriend left to love. She dials Gigi’s number into her phone with trembling fingers. Gigi owns a free-standing surgical center that Jackie worked at for a couple of years and Crystal is an EMT. She prays to a God she doesn’t believe that they aren’t both at work.

“Jackie?”

“Oh, thank god. You’re here, Gigi,”

“Jackie, what’s wrong.”

“Someone hurt Jan, she trauma in her throat, I think one of her ribs might be fractured, she sure as hell has internal bleeding in her stomach and hopefully not her brain and some pretty bad lacerations. There is a lot of bruising and I don’t know if I can grantee than her organs are protected.”

“Oh my god, thank god Crystal gets off work in thirty minutes.”

“I need you to come over.”

“For now I’m gonna stitch up her wounds and if either of you has any blood, she’s an AB positive."

“That’s good. That’s good.”

“Can you drive us to the clinic. I think we have 12 hours, tops. Please, I really need this. I can’t let her die. However, much money you want, I’ll pay you.”

“Money isn’t an issue, Jackie. You saved my sister’s life. I’m coming over, I should be there in five.”

Jackie breathes in a harsh breath. Each breath that she draws in reminds her of the ones that Jan is struggling to take in. She can hear the ragged breaths as she continues to fight her tears.

“Thank you so much. I owe you so much.”

“I’m on my way right now, I’ll get there-TAXI, UH FUCK YOU I NEED THIS CAB. Sorry, there was a jackass. You check on Jan, make sure she’s stable. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“What have you given her.”

“aminomethyl benzoic acid and Tylenol. She needs platelets. I’m gonna clean her wounds and stitch it up.”

“You can’t chloroform her though, we need to examine her.”

“I can’t risk sepsis.”

“It’s gonna hurt.”

“I can take it,” Jan says her voice weaker than before, but still determined. “Don’t chloroform me. I can do it.”

“I know you can, baby.”

“Well, I’ll be there in five. Love y’all. Stay with us Jan.”

“I will.”

Gigi hangs up and Jackie runs over to Jan, pressing their foreheads together. She kisses her forehead and leaves the words that she wants to say unsaid. I love you. I’m scared. I’m so sorry. You are so strong. Jan is the love of Jackie’s life and she is sure. She has lost her family. She is not losing Jan. At this point, Jan is her family. Jan is her life. Jan is everything. But Jan is a warrior, Jan is a fighter. She has fought a homophobic catholic society for years. She fought with her parents until one day she slammed the door and said: “you either love me or you don’t.” She fights for gay rights in marches, teaches it in schools, has been taunted, spat on, rejected, and now, beaten. She is everything Jackie wishes she was. Jackie is a runner. Jackie has run away from her past. Her family. Jobs. Everything she has ever loved. And when they insulted her, when they insulted Jan, she never once fought back. She never once retaliated. Until now. Now she is not letting some homophobic street thug take the love of her motherfucking life away from her. She is not going to let that happen. No way in the fucking hell is she going to let that happen. So she’s fighting.

She reached into her medical bag and picked out some cotton and disinfectant.

“Baby this is going to hurt.” Jan closes her eyes and waits for Jan begins to wail in agony as she rubs the alcohol into the wounds. Jackie has once again has to hold back tears as Jan sobs with pain watching as she continues to fight. This is so wrong. So, so wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. that was angsty. hope y'all enjoyed it.


	3. I couldn't leave you even if I wanted to.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan has a nightmare and Jackie is there to calm her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angsty angsty angsty with some comfort. Because I love to do what? Torture our girls.

Jackie looks at the clock. 7:00 am, on a Saturday. She has woken up at 7:00 am on a Saturday. On a goddamn Saturday. What the fuck is wrong with her body clock.

“Eh, no point in complaining. Might as well be productive” She thinks to herself as she leaned over onto the other side of the bed.

Jan lies there, still asleep and Jackie smiles.

She lifts the covers to check on the bandages over Jan’s arms. They aren’t bleeding through. A good sign. It has been almost two weeks since the attack. Jan had tried to intervene when him and a couple of thugs tried to rape this girl. Gigi’s Ex. Nicky. Nicky was good girl. A kind girl. But not a brave one. So when the leader of the thugs chocked Jan whilst the others beat her within an inch of her life, Nicky fled. She fled and she called the police. When the sound of sirens were heard from faraway, most of the thugs retreated, expect for their leader. Who stayed. Stayed to write those ugly words on her forehead as she lay there in a weakened state. Jackie doesn’t know how, but somehow, Jan mustered up the strength to walk a block back to their apartment and into Jackie’s arms.

So while Jackie and Gigi desperately tried to save Jan from the grasps of death, the drunken fool had told the entire story in a bar nearby, boasting of how he nearly killed a young woman. The police had caught him and he is to be locked behind bars for the rest of his life. It is demons like him that rid the world of angels like Jan. He deserves more than a life sentence. He deserves to feel all all the pain that Jan did, to feel eat cut, each wound pierce against his skin. To cry out for his loved ones in the depths of the night, though such a foul creature cannot be loved. He deserves to plunged into the deepest of despair. He deserves to watch the person he loves the most in the world suffer while he is bound and useless, unable to help them. He deserves to feel the pain that Jackie feels. 

Jackie brushes a stray lock of hair behind Jan’s ear as she traces the crevices of her face. These thoughts are too heavy for the morning, so instead she focuses on Jan. When she’s asleep, her full lips form into a pout. The same way that they do when she’s focusing or when she’s on the verge of tears. It’s cute. It’s Jackie’s favourite part of her face. That’s a lie. Jackie doesn’t have a favourite part of her face. Jackie likes every dimple, every freckle, every sun spot, every scar. She loves all of them, because they are part of Jan. 

The sunlight form their window manages to hit exactly the spot above her face and it aluminates it. Jan glows. She is glowing. Ethereal. That’s what Jan is. Ethereal. God-like. Angelic. Even in sleep, she radiates a grace and perfection that is unlike any other. Jan is her angel, her saving grace, her gift from god. She is her everything. And she is so grateful that her angel is still here, still with her.

She is so still. So silent and still. So unlike the girl’s normally bubbly and high energy persona that causes her to be beloved by many, it sets a wave of unease across Jackie. She’s so still, so quiet. A stark juxtaposition from the sheer volume of her voice when it echoed across stages. Nothing like the musical force of reckoning. She looks like a child. A helpless, vulnerable child who did not deserve the endless burdens that the world pounds onto her shoulders. She looked like this on the surgical table. Draped and barely alive, she had looked so helpless and nothing like the woman Jackie was so deeply, irrevocably in love with. Yet here she was. She was still here. God had demanded that another angel would not leave the earth and so Jackie gets to keep her. She gets to devour each passing moment they have together. She gets to kiss her every morning and every night. She gets to hold her like Jan is about to disappear into the air. She gets to hear her laughter at stupid rom coms. Whatever the reason is, divine or medical intervention, Jackie gets to keep Jan for just a little bit longer and she’s going to revel in every damn second of it.

“Jackie.” A whimper escaped Jan’s mouth.

Broken from her daydream, Jackie’s attention is immediately set on Jan.

“Jackie.” She cries again. Her body writhing as she tries to swat something that isn’t there. “Please don’t leave me. Jackie, please. Jackie, don’t go.”

Jackie can heart it. The sound of two hearts breaking at the same time. Jan never left Jackie and Jackie will die before she leaves Jan. But all she can do is watch, watch as Jan cries out her name, clutching at something that isn’t there. All she can do is wait. Wait until Jan wakes up.

“JACKIE.” Jan’s eyes shoot open, bloodshot and misty. She turns to see Jackie with tears pooling in her eyes. Jan doesn’t need to say anything before she is scooped up by Jackie, who presses kisses onto her damp forehead, though still mindful of her wounds. She holds her and strokes her arm gently. Jan puts two and two together and slowly a wretched sob escapes her mouth. A scream of pure anguish, of fear, of desolation. It breaks Jackie’s heart. She truly believes that she is alone. That Jackie will leave her one day. That she is not worth every panic attack, every nightmare, every hospital visit, every medical bill, every cold sweat in the middle of the night. She truly believes that Jackie will not stand by her, holding her hand until she can stand on her own.

“Jan.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Why, baby? Why? You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“I’m so sorry I’m so broken. “Another broken sob escapes Jan’s throat.

“What makes you broken?”

“Those men-“

“Those men did not break you. They may have broken your bones but they haven’t broken your spirit. You are still the best goddamn person I have ever met and you are still the woman I fell in love with.”

“But that’s the thing. That’s the exact goddamn thing. They did break my fucking spirit. I can’t go groceries, because I’m scared they’ll get me there. I can’t walk to gigs, because I’m scared they’ll get me there. I can’t sing because my voice gets choked up in my throat and the words just don’t seem to bloody come out. I can't look at men anymore. I can't even stand the sound of my brother's voice. I am broken. I am so, so broken. I am nothing, if not broken-“

“Then I will stand by you until you fix yourself. You are the strongest. Kindest. Most loving, loyal and resilient person I know. You may be weakened now. You may want to crawl into bed and hide there forever. You may want to cry into bowls and bowl of vanilla ice cream. You may want to scream into the sky at the unfairness of the situation. God knows I do, but you will recover. Whatever wounds you have, they will heal in time and before you know it, you’ll be charming people’s pants off at gigs like you always have. You are a fucking force of nature, Jan.”

“But what if I can’t ever recover. What if I’m like this forever.”

“Then I’ll still love you. I don’t love you only when you’re happy. I don’t love you only when you’re smiling. I mean, I love you’re smile but I don’t love you only when you’re shining so brightly that you make the most lit rooms look dim. You do that whether or not you’re wearing a full face or sweatpants. To me, no matter what you’re doing, you are perfection. You are everything. I know you will recover and you will recover stronger than ever before. But even if you don’t, even if I spend the rest of my days holding your hand when we walk down the street, stroking your hair after nightmares or wrapping my arms around you when you can’t breathe. I will love you. I couldn’t stop loving you if I tried.”

“I don’t want you to be tied down to me Jackie. I want you to be able to live even if I can’t.”

“See that’s the thing. You are my reason to live. You are my grounding sensation. You are everything I could ever want. I love you. I can’t stop loving you and I don’t want to. Because loving you is easy. Staying is easy. All the things that should be hard, are easy. You make them so, so easy.”

“Please don’t leave me.” Jan dissolves into sobs as she is enveloped by Jackie. Jackie takes her face in her hands, cupping her reddened cheeks.

“I will never ever ever leave you.”

“No matter what happens?”

“No matter what happens.”

And maybe, just maybe, Jan can believe her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you liked it please comment .If it was shit, please please please please please please comment .I wanna be fucking dragged.


	4. I'm so tired of hurting you, I'm so tired of hurting me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan is hurting and that's when she makes a decision. A bad one.

Ugh. That’s all she can think of when she stares at her reflection in the mirror.

Pale, ghost-like skin paired with soulless eyes and matted hair make her feel nauseous as her eyes skate over the scars that are littered across her body. The disgusting, jagged skin is not her. She’s gotten fat too. Her once toned stomach now slouched downwards and love handles are beginning to show. 

Jan is ugly. No matter what Jackie says. She is ugly. So deeply ugly. Nothing like Jackie. Jackie, a Persian goddess with her eyes that convey a universe of emotions at a time. So deep, so brown, every time Jan looks into them she feels like she is drowning and she doesn’t care. She wants to drown forever, to swim breathlessly in the chocolate of Jackie’s eyes. To brush her hands over miles and miles of golden skin. Her skin is soft, pristine and smooth, devoid of imperfections or scars. Somehow Jackie doesn’t bleed. Even after the countless beatings that she endured from her parents, they have left not a single scar. The belt leaves no mark. She is perfect, untainted. Her lips, a mellow color combination of Americanos and dried rose petals, are full and mesmerizing. It takes all of her physical restraint not to kiss her senseless every time she sees those lips. Those beautiful, tea-colored lips. Jackie kills Jan every time she looks at her. But her hair, weightless and billowy, the color of the richest oak trees. It is what kills Jan the most. It is what causes her to drop dead like Laganja Estranja on the floor. It is so seamlessly perfect. Whether tired up or down, boxer braids or ballet bun. Even when it is tucked under hijab, it invites people to stroke it. To worship it. To love it. That’s what Jackie is. You cannot help but love her. You have no choice but to love her. She is inviting. Mesmerizing. Everything that Jan knows she is not. Jackie is the definition of perfection. Both moral and physical. She had quit her job as a surgeon to work for an NGO that taught impoverished children and now so many kids are going to be doctors because of her. She is careless when it comes to giving others money, often so that she forgets to save some for herself. 

It means that they’re tight on money, but Jackie doesn’t care. And honestly, neither does Jan. Jan spent too many nights watching Jackie sob because she couldn’t do the impossible on a daily basis. It is unfair, surgeons are the greatest people on earth but they must have guarded hearts and Jackie has never ever once guarded her heart and never will. So Jackie came home emotionally drained night after night, even on days without patients dying. She would lie in Jan’s lap, sobbing silently as Jan stroked her hair, offering the only consolation she could. Patients after patients. Babies, children, mothers, grandparents, priests, gays. All with a story to tell. All fearful. The average surgeon wouldn’t spend hours listening to their stories, to their fears, to their pain. The average surgeon would not cry with the family every time a patient died. The average surgeon would not then be yelled at by their boss for unprofessionalism. But Jackie was not the average surgeon. Jackie did not just save people, she loved them too. But nobody can have their heart broken as many times as Jackie did without snapping and so two years ago, Jackie set down the scalpel. Now when Jackie comes home from work crying, it’s tears of joy, tears of love. And even though they can’t go out on dinner dates as often or on holiday ever, Jackie doesn’t cry as much and that’s more than enough for Jan. 

Jan is nothing like her. She is selfish. She is cruel. She is resentful. Jan resents the men for stripping away the only redeeming aspect she has, her confidence. She resents strangers that passed her bloody body and chose not to help her and instead rush pass her whispering words of disgust towards one another when the saw the length of her skirt. She resents no one for helping her as she staggered through the street clutching her stomach. She resents Nicky for choosing to run instead of fight five men twice her size. She resents the judge for choosing not to give them a death sentence, to show them mercy. She resents her brother for choosing to spend the day with his daughter instead of her without so much as a phone call for three days despite Jackie telling him about her condition, the second she had a free moment. She resents Crystal, one of her lifelong best friends, for having the work the next day so Jan woke up feeling that Crystal didn’t care. She resents Gigi for not just letting her die on the table because she knows that Jackie would never let her die but Gigi would. Gigi could’ve saved her from this endless nightmare that she lives in. The one in which she wants nothing more than to die. Some days she even resents Jackie. Her kind, beautiful, amazing, Jackie. She resents her love for Jackie because it was through Jackie that she met Nicky.

Jan is a monster and she knows it. 

She is a monster who needs this end. It has to end. She can’t do this anymore. She needs it to end. 

It’s almost like a numbing the pain that Jan feels. A numbing need for the blinding anger that rages within her to subside. She hates how angry she is. She hates how broken she has become. She hates how she is half the woman she was and no matter how much Jackie tells her she loves her; she can’t believe her. People like Jackie can’t love people like Jan. Jackie is strong but Jan is part of the weaklings that die out with evolution. She is worse than bad, she is weak. Too weak to be selfless, too weak to be confident, too weak to function. So instead she leaches onto Jackie like the parasite that she is. She hates all the hurt all the selfishness that has built up within her. All the pain, all the fear, all the insecurity. She hates all of it so much. She hates herself so much. 

It sorts of blacks out after a while. 

Her body craves suicide. An odd, sudden addiction that she has never felt before. IN a trancelike state, she picks her head up off from the floor and walks to the kitchen with a determination that she hasn’t felt in days. 

All she can focus on is the medicine cabinet. 

She doesn’t know if she’s grateful that Jackie still has a scalpel or scared. 

She winces as she carves a trail of blood along her forearm. She deserves to die. She deserves for the pain to stop for Jackie deserves to be freed. Jan loves Jackie more than anything in the world, but the world has been nothing but cruel to her. It’s time for it to stop. For all of it to come to an end. 

She carves another trail along her arm and watches as the blood drips onto the floor. It hurts but in an oddly satisfying way. Like she was made to hurt and it’s only fair that she does.   
It’s time for this to end. 

It’s time for all of it to come to an end. 

She closes her eyes and the second her lids shut she hears the sound of a door nob turning open. 

There stands the love of her life, eyes widening with fear. With a tremoring voice, Jackie opens her mouth. 

“Jan?”


	5. I love you so much. So much. Why can't you see that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie saves Jan's life again.

It had been a good day. Genuinely, a good day. Not an abnormally good day, but a good day. Jackie had demonstrated a craniotomy to a group of teens, the spark in their eyes separating the prodigies from the latter. She had walked home, passing by the same homeless man she saw every day, giving five dollars as she always did. She walked up the stairs, feeling cathartic for the first time in a while, and then it all went to shit.

“Jan?” Her voice comes out as barely a whisper as she drops her bags on the floor and she runs to Jan’s side, cupping her face between her hands. No. No. She has worked too hard to save her life. Jan is not going anywhere. The world has tried to take Jan away from her too many times, Jan cannot leave. They have come too far for this to end. She bites her lip and rushes to the medicine cabinet, pulling out gauze, needles, and anesthesia. She doesn’t say anything to Jan as she does this, her mind engulfed by fear, betrayal, and anger. Why did she do this? Why? Why would she abandon Jackie, abandon this beautiful life that they had built together? Jackie mentally slaps herself. She is selfish. Blaming Jan for something that is clearly out of her hands. She pushes those thoughts aside. Jackie will stitch Jan back together a hundred times if she has to. She will never stop fighting for this beautiful, passionate woman who holds her heart in the palm of her hand. Even when Jan tries to take yet another angel away from the world, Jackie will hold her down. Maybe it’s selfish of her to keep Jan from flying away to heaven, but Jackie will be damned if another person she loves leaves her life. Too many people have left. Jan will not be another one of them.

She injects the needle, expecting Jan, at least to wince at the jab. Instead, she sits there, eyes blank and unfeeling and Jackie has to stifle tears because this is not her Jan. Her Jan is vibrant and bursting with life. Her Jan is red and blues and yellows, filling this black and white world with color. Her Jan is not this pale, unfeeling woman in front of her. She’s not even fighting. She is a husk of the burst of light in this dim world but Jackie doesn’t love her any less. This Jan is flawed, but oh so perfect. Nothing if not perfect. She is everything that Jackie needs no matter how many times she nearly bleeds to death on the couch. She bites her lips as she stitches the wounds close, thankful that no arteries were cut. Thankful that Jan doesn’t have the medical experience that she does. Thankful that Jan is still with her, even if it’s only for a few moments more. She’s done. Jan is safe. Jan is okay. She will be okay. Maybe not forever, maybe not even for a day. But for the moment, Jan is okay.

“Jan? Baby?” Jan sits there with glazed eyes, staring into nothing and everything at the same time. She cannot hear Jackie. “Jan. Baby, can you hear me? Jan? Please, I love you. Jan, please look at me.”

Jan turns her head upwards and her lip trembles as she tries to curl into herself. Jackie reaches to touch her shoulder and she flinches. That hurts. That hurts more than the bloodstains. More than the nightmares. More than the memories. More that it all. It hurts to know that Jan is in Pain because of her because she has sworn to never, ever, ever hurt her Jan, but she has done it. With a heavy heart, she reaches again, trying to cradle to the sobbing woman but she thrashes, resisting Jackie.

“LET ME GO, JACKIE! LET ME GO. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE, PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.” Jan sobs as she gives in allows Jackie to hold her in her arms. She stays there for a minute, screams of agony pouring out of her tiny body, crushing Jackie’s heart into little pieces. She continues to cry, one heart-wrenching scream after the other.

“LET ME GO! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. PLEASE. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” She shrieks as she clutches onto Jackie like she is a life float. Like Jackie is the one thing that is keeping her afloat. A life jacket on the titanic that has become her life. She screams and each scream breaks Jackie’s heart more and more. This is so wrong. So wrong. Jan. Beautiful, innocent, pure, joyous, infectious Jan is screaming for Jackie to kill her because life has just become so unbearable. Her life of joy and serendipity has become so unbearable that all she can do is scream. What have these men done to their life? With one action, how have they single-handedly broken the strongest person Jackie knows? How have they done that? Jackie wants to know because she no longer wants justice, she wants revenge. She wants to mutilate them surgically and watch as they writhe in pain. She wants to hear their screams and relish in the joy of their agony. She wants for their family members to retch when they see their complexions. She wants to inflict as much cruelty onto them as possible for dulling the brightest light in the universe. But right now her focus is on Jan. Jan will always be the priority, dead or alive. Jackie will never love anybody but her.

“Jackie…” Jan says her name brokenly like her name is a ritual that she no longer recalls. “Jackie. Jackie. Jackie. Jackie.”

She says her name over and over again like a mantra as she presses her sobbing face into the crevice of her shoulder. There aren’t any more tears. She has no tears left. All the agony left in her body is gone and all Jan is, is hollow. She is hollow, empty, a shell. Jan hates herself for it. She hates herself for it so much. Jackie doesn’t deserve this. Once again, Jan has broken herself and Jackie is left to superglue the pieces together.

“Jackie, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

“I know, my love. I know. I just-” Her voice begins to tremble. “I promised you I would never leave. I promised you I would stay by your side forever. I promised to love you until I can’t love anymore. I promised to hold your hand even when it’s bloody and cold. I promised to love you from the grave and beyond. And I intend to keep my promise. I promise to love you with everything I have. Why am I not enough?”

The room stills.

“Why am I not enough for you? Why is this beautiful life that we’ve built together not enough? I’m so sorry, I’m not enough. I really am. Please tell me, I can’t bear watching you suffer. Please tell me how to end this cycle of nightmares. Please, I can’t watch you hurt yourself anymore. I know it’s selfish, I know. But I love you so much, Jan. I love you so much that it physically hurts. And I can’t watch as you tear yourself into pieces again and again and again.”

“I’m sorry.” Jan bursts into sobs as she repeats the phrase, again and again, her desperate apology echoing across the room. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you try to leave me Jan? Why?”

“Because I’m broken, Jackie. I am broken beyond repair. I am so, so, so, so broken. I’m so angry and so full of this rage that was never there before. I’m happy, Jackie. That’s who I am. I’m Jan, the eternal optimist. Jan, the girl who smiles even when she loses. Jan, the cocky bastard who people love. But the person I am now? The person who can’t even cross the damn street. I can’t stand her. She’s pathetic. She’s weak. She’s disgusting and I hate her so much- “

“Well, I love her. I love her so much. You may hate yourself but I love you.”

“How? How the fuck do you loved me when I’m this fucking messed up.”

“Because I don’t love you because you’re perfect. I love you because you’re you. I love you when you’re selfish. When you’re angry. When you’re hurting. When you’re broken. When you’re lying down on the floor and you can’t move. And I have never. NEVER. Loved anyone the way I love you. I love you so much and it’s killing me that you can’t love yourself. You deserve to look into the mirror and see what I do.”

“Fat and useless?”

“Talented and gorgeous.”

“Weak and a fucking burden.”

“Strongest person I know and light of my fucking life.”

“How the fuck am I strong?”

“You’re still fighting. You are still here. I had to pull you back but you’re still fighting. You’re still trying. With what life has thrown at you, the fact that you can still stand is a miracle in itself.”

“But I’m a burden, a burden that you deserve to be relieved of.”

“You’re not a burden, you’re my girlfriend. I love you. I love every part of you.”

“I’m just so tired, Jackie. I’m so tired of fighting.”

“I know, my love. But promise me, promise me you’ll keep fighting. If not for you, for me. You love me, don’t you?”

“More than anything in the world.”

“Than fight for me. You see something that scares you, you call me. You feel like the world is suffocating you, you call me. You feel like you want to do this again, you call me and I will be there. I will show up, day or night, work hours or not, I will show up. Bianca understands. I’ve told her about what happened and she’s agreed that I take a month off work until you are back on your feet.”

“What about rent?”

“Gigi, Bianca and the girls at work poured a little money into a fund and it’s enough for two months’ worth of rent.”

Jan dissolves into tears again as Jackie rocks her back and forth, holding her like she is something precious. Because she is. She is more precious than any jewel, any diamond. She is everything.

“You are so loved, baby. And you are going to make it to the other side.”

“I don’t deserve this.”

“You’re right, my love. You don’t deserve all the pain you have been through. What you deserve is the unconditional love that your friends and your family are going to give you. I love you more than freaking air. I need you in my life. You die, I die. I love you so much.”

“I love you so much.”

“Will you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Live for me? Not just survive, live?”

“Okay.”

Jackie presses her lips to Jan’s salt mingling in between them. They are going to be fine. They will make it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all liked that.


End file.
